Book Notes – How to Win Friends and Influence People

Book Cover of How to Win Friends and Influence People

TL;DR

10×: Technical knowledge plus the ability to express ideas, assume leadership and arouse enthusiasm.

Part 2: Six ways to make people like you:

  • Become genuinely interested in other people.
  • Smile.
  • Remember that a man’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in the English language.
  • Notice effort and say thanks.
  • Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
  • Talk in terms of the other man’s interests.
  • Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

Part 3: Twelve ways to win people to your way of thinking:

  • The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
  • Show respect for the other man’s opinions. Never tell a man he is wrong.
  • If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
  • Begin in a friendly way.
  • Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” immediately.
  • Let the other man do a great deal of the talking.
  • Let the other fellow feel that the idea is his.
  • Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
  • Be sympathetic to the other person’s ideas and desires.
  • Appeal to the nobler motives.
  • Dramatise your ideas.
  • Throw down a challenge.

Part 4: Nine ways to change people without giving offence or arousing resentment:

  • Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
  • Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
  • Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person.
  • Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
  • Let the other man save his face.
  • Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
  • Give a man a fine reputation to live up to.
  • Use encouragement. Make the fault you want to correct seem easy to correct; make the thing you want the other person to do seem easy to do.
  • Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Part 1

Chapter 1: Don’t kick over the beehive

I learned tirty years ag that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.

No man ever criticises himself, no matter how wrong he may be. Criticism is futile because it puts a man on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.

Don’t criticise them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.

A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.

TL;DR: Don’t criticise.

Chapter 2: The big secret of dealing with people

There is only one way under high Heaven to get anybody to do anything. And that is by making the other person want to do it.

The deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important”.

This same desire made the richest man in your town build a house far too large for his requirements.

If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance I’ll tell you what you are.

There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a man as criticisms from his superiors.

TL;DR: Everyone wants to feel important.

Chapter 3: He who can do this has the whole world with him…

Bait the hook to suit the fish.

Every act you ever performed since the day you were born is because you wanted something.

Tomorrow you will want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask: “How can I make him want to do it?”

If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from his angle as well as from your own.

p61 – nice example of how to make someone want to do the thing you’re suggesting.

TL;DR: Get the other person’s point of view. Make them want to do it for themselves.

Nine suggestions on how to get the most out of this book

Repeat: My popularity, my happiness, and my income depend to no small exxtent upon my skill in dealing with people.

Ask yourself just how and when you can apply each suggestion.

The use of these principles can be made habitual and unconscious only by a constant and vigorous campaign of review and application. Ther is no other way.

Learning is an active process. Apply these rules at every opportunity.

Keep a diary in which to record your triumphs in the application of these principles.

Part 2

  1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
  2. Smile.
  3. Remember that a man’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in the English language.
  4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
  5. Talk in terms of the other man’s interests.
  6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

Chapter 1: Do this and you’ll be welcome anywhere

No ulterior motives: he (the dog) doesn’t want to sell you any real estate.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life.

Every time he entered the stage he said to himself: “I am grateful because these people came to see me”.

We said we realised that they were busy – too busy to prepare a lecture. So we enclosed a list of questions for them to answer about themselves and their methods of work.

If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.

TL;DR: Become genuinely interested in other people.

Chapter 2: A sumple way to make a good first impression

You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.

RE: Smiling. Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct controll of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.

A man with a smile is always welcome. So, before entering a man’s office, he always pauses for an instant and thinks of the many things he as to be thankful for, works up a great big honest-to-goodness smile, and then enters the room with the smile just vanishing from his face. this simple technique, he believes, has had much to do with his extraordinary success in selling insurance.

Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do.

TL;DR: Smile.

Chapter 3: If you don’t do this, you are headed for trouble

He built up a system for remembering names. He found out his complete name, the size of his family, the nature of his business, and the colour of his political opinions.

Men are so proud of their names that they strive to perpetuate them at any cost.

In other words, he took notice of every detail to which he knew I had given considerable thought.

A few days after returning to New York, I got an authograped photograph of President Roosevelt and a little note of thanks.

One of the simplest, most obvious, and most important ways of gaining good will is by remembering names and making people feel important.

TL;DR: Remember that a man’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in the English language.

TL;DR: Notice effort and say thanks.

Chapter 4: An easy way to become a good conversationalist

“Oh, Mr Carnegie, I do want you to tell me about all the wonderful places you have visited and the sights you have seen”. As we sat down on the sofa, she remarked that she and her husband had recently returned from a trip to Africa. “Africa!” I exclaimed. “How interesting! I always wanted to see Africa, but I never got there except for a twenty-four-hour stay once in Algiers. Tell me, did you visit the big game country? Yes? How fortunate! I evny you! Do tell me about Africa.” That was good for fourty-five minutes.

I had listened intently. I had listened because I was genuinely interested. And he felt it.

And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in reality, I had been merely a good listener and encouraged him to talk.

p100 – nice example of listening to the other point of view.

I think he was a trifle disappointed, because he had come to Chicago to tell me a thing or two, but here I was thanking him instead of scrapping with him.

Since he wasn’t going to buy from us anymore, I recommended some other wollen houses.

I invited him to have lunch with me this day. He accepted reluctantly, but when he came back to the office he placed a larger order than ever before.

Edward Bok: Then he did an unheard-of thing. He read the lives of famous men and whote them asking for additional information about their childhoods. He was a good listener. He encouraged famous people to alk about themselves.

This Western Union messenger boy was soon corresponding with many of the most famous people in the nation.

This experience imbued him with a confidence that was invaluable. These men and women fired him with a vision and ambition that revolutionised his life.

Many people fail to make a favourable impression because they don’t listen attentively. “They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open…”

If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other fellow is talking, don’t wait for him to finish.

“To be interesting, be interested.” Ask questions that the other man will enjoy answering. encourage him to talk about himself and his accomplishments.

TL;DR: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Chapter 4: How to interest people

Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested.

The royal road to a man’s heart is to talk to him about the things he treasures most.

I know if I hadn’t found out what he was interested in, and got him warmed up first, I wouldn’t have found him one-tenth as easy to approach.

TL;DR: Talk in terms of the other man’s interests.

Chapter 6: How to make people like you instantly

Ask: “What is there about him that I can honstly admire?”

The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

p111 – short anecdote about saying how well someone answered a question

I got a feeling of having added a trifle to the sum total of human happiness that afternoon.

Good phrases:

  • “I’m sorry to trouble you”
  • “Would you be so kind as to…”
  • “Won’t you please…”
  • “Would you mind…”
  • “Thank you”

Who knows – he might have died poor and unknown had he not written an essay expressing his admiration for a famous man!

Almost every man you meet feels himself superior to you in some way; and a sure way to his heart is to let him realise in som esubtle way that you recognise his importance in his little world, and recognise it sincerely.

Where should you and I begin applying this magic touchstone of appreciation? Why not begin right at home?

Don’t merely say “Yes, I ought to do it.” Do it!

TL;DR: Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

Part 3


Chapter 1: You can’t win an argument

Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face? He didn’t ask for your opinion. He didn’t want it. Why argue with him? Always avoid the acute angle.

There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument – and that is to avoid it.

You can’t win an argument. If you lose, you lose. If you win, you also lose. You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph.

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man by argument.

Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love.

TL;DR: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Chapter 2: A sure way of making enemies…

That is a challenge. That arouses opposition, and makes the listener want to battle with you before you even start.

If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it.

Be wiser than other people, if you can; but do not tell them so.

If a man makes a statement that you think is wrong – isn’t it better to begin by saying: “Well, now, look! I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I’m wrong, I want to be put right. Lets exampine the facts.”

You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire the other fellow to be just as fair and open and broadminded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.

Read Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography.

In answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference.

I kept on watching and gradually began to ask questions as to why certain pieces were not satisfactory. I didn’t for one instant insinuate that the inspector was wrong. I emphasised that my only reason for asking was in order that we could give his firm exactly what they wanted in future shipments.

TL;DR: Show respect for the other man’s opinions. Never tell a man he is wrong.

Chapter 3: If you’re wrong admit it

Say them before he has a chance to say them – and you take the wind out of his sails.

TL;DR: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

Chapter 4: The high road to a man’s reason

If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t turn him to your way of thinking with all tho logic in Christendom.

No bulldozing. No high-pressure methods. No attempt to force his opinions on other men.

TL;DR: Begin in a friendly way.

Chapter 5: The secret of Socrates

In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasising – and keep on emphasising – the things on which you agree. Keep emphasising – if possible – that you are both striving for the same end and your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.

When a person says ‘No’ and really means it… His entire organism… gathers itself together into a condition of rejection. Where, on the contrary, a person says ‘Yes’, none of the withdrawing activities take place. The organism is in a forward-moving, accepting, open attitude.

He who treads softly goes far.

TL;DR: Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” immediately.

Chapter 6: The safety valve in handling complaints

Most people, when trying to win others to their way of thinking, do too much talking themselves.

Let the other man talk himself out.

So ask him questions.

If you disagree with him, you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It is dangerous. He won’t pay attention to you while he still has a lot of ideas of his own crying for expression.

“I know I should have lost that contract if I hadn’t lost my voice, because I had the wrong idea about the whole proposition.”

People can’t be sold. You have to let them buy.

Before he called, he spent hours in Wall Street finding out everything possible about the man who had founded the business. During the interview, he remarked: “I should be mighty proud to be associated with an organisation with a record like yours. I understand you started twenty-eight years ago with nothing but desk room and one stenographer. Is that true?”

Even our friends would rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours.

If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.

TL;DR: Let the other man do a great deal of the talking.

Chapter 7: How to get co-operation

Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter?

Our factory has recently completed a new line of X-ray equipment. The first shipment of these machines has just arrived at our office. They are not perfect. We know that, and we want to improve them. So we should be deeply obligated to you if you could find time to look them over and give us your ideas about how they can be made more serviceable to your profession. Knowing how occupied you are, I shall be glad to send my car for you at any hour you specify.

TL;DR: Let the other fellow feel that the idea is his.

Chapter 8: A formula that will work wonders for you

Remember that the other man may be totally wrong. But he doesn’t think so.

Try to understand him.

If, as a result of this book, you only get one thing – an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from his angle as well as your own – if you only get that one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the milestones of your career.

TL;DR: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

Chapter 9: What everybody wants

Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would stop argument, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively? Yes? All right. Here it is. Begin by saying: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you, I should undoubtably feel just as you do.”

You deserve very little credit for being what you are – and remember, the man who comes yo you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserves very little discredit for being what he is. Feel sorry for the poor devil. Pity him. Sympathise with him.

TL;DR: Be sympathetic to the other person’s ideas and desires.

Chapter 10: An appeal that everbody likes

A man usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.

In order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.

He persuaded even Louisa May Alcott, the immortal author of Little Women, to write for him when she was at the flood tide of her fame; and he did it by offering to send a cheque for a hundred dollars, not to her, but to her favourite charity.

TL;DR: Appeal to the nobler motives.

Chapter 11: The movies do it…

“Six Principles of Selling”. This waas subsequently made into a move.

Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship.

TL;DR: Dramatise your ideas.

Chapter 12: When nothing else works, try this

The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.

“I have never found” said Harvey S. Firestone, founder of the great Firestone Tire & Rubber Company, “that pay, and pay alone, would either bring together or hold good men. I think it was the game itself…” That is what every successful man loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot races and hog calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.

TL;DR: Throw down a challenge.

Part 4


Chapter 1: If you must find fault, this is where to begin

There are many occasions on which it would be precisely the right thing to say…

Naturally I know why you are here. I did not expect our meeting would be so enjoyable. Mr Gaw got everything that he wanted without even asking for it.

TL;DR: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

Chapter 2: How to criticise – and not be hated for it

Immediately above their heads was a sign which said “No Smoking”. “I’ll appreciate it, boys, if you will smoke these on the outside.” They knew that he knew that they had broken a rule.

TL;DR: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

Chapter 3: Talk about your own mistakes first

It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your own faults if the criticiser begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.

TL;DR: Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person.

Chapter 4: No one likes to take orders

He always gave a person an opportunity to do things himself.

TL;DR: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

Chapter 5: Let the other man save his face

TL;DR: Let the other man save his face.

Chapter 6: How to spur men on to success

Let’s praise even the slightest improvement.

Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual this lives far within his limits. He possesses power of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.

TL;DR: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.

Chapter 7: Give the dog a good name

If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his outstanding characteristics.

TL;DR: Give a man a fine reputation to live up to.

Chapter 8: Make the fault seem easy to correct

The first teacher had discouraged me by emphasising my mistakes. This new teacher did the opposite. She kept praising the things I did right and minimising my errors.

TL;DR: Use encouragement. Make the fault you want to correct seem easy to correct; make the thing you want the other person to do seem easy to do.

Chapter 9: Making people glad to do what you want

House practically tells Bryan that he is too important for the job – and Bryan is satisfied.

He created the impression that by accepting this great honour I would be doing him a favour.

After expressing his appreciation of the invitation and regretting his inability to accept it, he suggests a substitute speaker. In other words, he doesn’t give the other person any time to feel unhappy about the refusal.

He was no longer a repair man to be ordered about by every Tom, Dick, and Harry. He was now the manager of a department. He had dignity, recognition, a feeling of importance.

TL;DR: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Part 5


Letters that produced miraculous results

Sceptical? Well, I like skeptical people.

It produced “miracles” by asking the other person to do a small favour – the performing of which gave him a feeling of importance.

Having heard that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book, I wrote a note to him, expressing my desire of perusing that book and requesting that he would do me the favour of lending it to me for a few days.

The letter is almost identical with that quoted on page 221.

Key phrases of letter 2:

  • I wonder if you’ll help me out of a little difficulty?
  • I must come to you for help
  • To make it quite easy for you
  • I’ll certainly regard it as a personal favour
  • I now leave it to you to say whether the catalogue shall be discontinued or reprinted (give them the power!)

The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks.